Here you go guys, just in case you have a hard time going through my site for the full story. I’ll be updating this every time I write something new. I hope you like this story, for those of you who didn’t know this about me I actually LOVE to write. Hope you like this. :)

Introduction:

“And I don’t want to lose you. Because my life has been so much better since the day I found you.” That’s what she wished he’d say. That’s what she hoped he’d say. But no, he didn’t say a word. Not one. He simply looked at her, face emotionless, staring into her eyes without any feeling or remorse. She felt a twist and turn in her stomach. She didn’t know what she was going to do next, but she knew that if she didn’t do something quick, she’d look like a fool.

“I guess that’s it then. You never really cared. You never really fucking cared. I loved you with everything I had. Until there was nothing left for me. Thank you for making me feel so worthless. Thank you, for killing me.” And with that, she turned around, and walked straight into her house. She could feel the tears coming, but she would never give him the satisfaction of knowing just how hurt she really was. She opened the front door and walked in, never looking back.

Every bone in her body, every part of her, hurt. She felt like she was dying. Every breath was sharp, every sigh felt like a stab. She never wanted to open her eyes. She just wanted lay there in bed hoping it would swallow her up whole, so she would never have to live again.

To be happy, one must know pain. To experience love, one has to know rejection. And to learn, one must make a mistake. Life didn’t come with a manual or a handbook to follow. Life has no rules and no guidelines. It’s up to one to experience, grow, and learn from everything. For Jen the road to happiness was long and tiring. But in the end it was worth it.

Join her as she goes through life’s biggest lessons. Lessons on heartache, friendship, and self-worth. Read on and realize how incredible life is, and how wonderful it is to love, and even get hurt in the process. And remember: Everything in its own time. 

1 - The Days That Felt Like Forever:

Three weeks. It had been 3 whole weeks since the break up. I had spent 21 days crying in bed and had lost 8 pounds in the process. How could one eat when all they felt was pain?

“Get over him already! He was a fucking retard!” Nadia said, throwing another magazine off the bed. She was always such a war freak, the most violent and aggressive of my friends. But she meant well, and we all knew that.

“You were never really happy with him Jen, I mean, you were more like his maid, if anything.” Sam pointed out, stroking my leg from over the covers. She was always the “mother” of the group.

“Come on, it’s been forever since we’ve gone out, let’s go out, dress up and flirt with boys! We have to distract you. Let’s go!” Cheered on Beth, her optimism always got the best of her. How could I party when I could barely breathe?

“I don’t want to leave this bed. Don’t you all understand? I don’t. I’m going to die here. And that’s fine.” I said from under the covers. Just saying those words made my heart ache even more, and a fresh batch of tears started to flow. It was a bit overly dramatic but it’s what I felt. When your heart is broken into a million pieces, you sort of feel like you’re going to die- a very slow and painful death at that.

They all sighed in unison and just stayed there on my bed, not knowing what else they could do or say. I couldn’t blame them if they wanted to leave. I wasn’t exactly the best form of company at the moment. But being the best friends that they were, they continued on, just physically being there for me. And honestly, it was enough.

2 - Out of Bed, Into Pity

When your heart is broken, every song, every movie and every book is about you. They affect YOU. Suddenly the universe conspires against you. Makes everything around you a reminder of when you were once happy. When you thought nothing in your life could go wrong. The universe manages to slap you right in the face, and makes you feel like its biggest joke. That’s why I never wanted to leave my bed. I didn’t want to walk around some mall and try to distract myself from the pain I was going through. Why you ask? Because I just couldn’t. All I felt was pain. All my body knew at that moment was that it wanted to die; to simply shut down like a computer. My heart I could feel, was shattered into a million pieces and nothing and no one could fix it. Overly dramatic again you say? You try getting your heart broken by the one person you thought would never hurt you. Could NEVER hurt you.

I let another week pass before I finally got out of bed. My friends and family were thrilled at the idea of me actually eating, showering and getting out of the house. It was like I had won the Olympics or something. That’s another thing I hate about breakups: the pity. Everyone around me wanted me to get of bed and start my life again. But when I did finally get up from bed, they babied me. They made me feel like I was going to break at any moment. Now how is that helpful to someone, right?

“Is the coffee too hot sweetie?”

“What do you want to do today? It’s YOUR day today!”

“Come on, pick a movie! Pick a place to eat! Anything you want, you’ve got it!”

If I heard one more “Are you okay?” “Are you sure?” or “Are you REALLY sure?” I would go insane. Or run back into bed and never get out. Ever. I know everyone meant well, heck, they just all wanted me to be happy again. I just wish they didn’t try so hard. It made me feel even worse. But whatever, I guess this was all part of the post-breakup process right? It would get better soon. I think. I hope.

3 - The Return… To My Life

A month and a half, post break-up. I had tried to start living life as normally as I possible could but I ended up neglecting one thing: School. Great. School. My friends had been helping me with my homework, projects and papers while I mastered the art of pretending to listen in class and walk around campus like everything was okay. I was on “auto-pilot” for that month and a half but now I had to wake up. I couldn’t depend on my friends forever and I think my teachers started to notice that my body was present in class, but my mind definitely wasn’t.

I had to try to start listening in class again instead of replaying every happy moment I spent with- (God, I can’t even say his name without feeling a stab) I had to stop replaying every happy moment, every amazing moment with him, with Jake. I had to start reciting again, participating in class and talking. Talking to people. Socializing. Conversing. Ugh. But with the talking would come the questions. And I knew I wasn’t exactly ready for that.

Thank God for my friends. Like an unspoken rule, they quickly made sure to answer all the questions that people would ask me. They’d say the same story and make it very clear to everyone that I was “fine” and that I didn’t need Jake. And that he would end up regretting what he did to me. Jake was the bad guy and that was their story. I didn’t even have the strength to contradict them. I just let them do what they had to do. It made life easier for me at least. The only thing that I was scared of was actuallyfacing Jake. When we were happy, studying in the same school was perfection. It was everything we had hoped for. We had the same breaks, sometimes the same classes and we’d see each other all the time. Seeing him was so much easier and more convenient, it was basically unavoidable. That was just it now, it was unavoidable. My tummy turned at the thought of bumping into him in the halls with gum in my hair or in a bad outfit or worse- with another girl. My tummy turned again. I felt sick.

Just shake it off Jen, just shake it off. You’ve taken all the possible Non-Jake routes school has to offer. There’s no way that you’ll bump into Jake. Ever. And just when I believed that little voice in my head, my entire body stopped. Right there, at the end of the hall- was Jake.

Crap.

4 - Kill Me. NOW.

Crap. Shit. Fuck. Damn. OMG.

My brain couldn’t think of any more profanities to shout out but one thing was certain: I wanted to die. Right there in the middle of the hallway, in front of everyone. I silently prayed for God to take me right then and there. But of course, He didn’t. Shit.Shit.Shit.

Okay, don’t panic. Compose yourself. Compose yourself Jen. For all you know, Jake didn’t even see you. You can still turn around and walk away- Shit. I looked up to check if it was clear for me to turn around, but it was too late. There was Jake at the end of the hall, smiling at me. I’ve been spotted. Great. I took a deep breath and made my way across the hall, silently praying to my tear ducts to not start a waterfall mid way through my walk. Jake made his way as well, two of us meeting in the middle of the hall despite the chaos of students rushing to their next classes.

“Hey… Uh, hey?” Jake asked. I wasn’t exactly sure if he wanted to make this more awkward than it already was. Where were my friends when I needed them? I officially hated Science and Technology. Why did I have to take this class alone? Ugh…

“Hey,” I said looking up at him. Stay cool Jen, stay cool. “So how are you?” Jake asked, looking down at his shoes. I guess he already knew how awkward this really was. Despite not having any classes together this semester we had managed to get classes in the same buildings. It seemed like the best idea at the time. But now… it was utter crap. Guess I’d have to change some of those “Non-Jake” routes I was so proud of.

“I’m good, I’m great. You?” I asked, though I really didn’t want to know. Okay maybe I did. I was secretly hoping he would burst into tears right there and beg for me back. Tell me I was his whole world and he couldn’t live without me. That I was The One. That he had made a mistake and he’d do anything to have me back in his life… Like that would happen though. But then again, there was no harm in hoping…

“I’m fine. I’m uh, I’m actually seeing someone…” He said, looking up to meet my eyes.Fuck. Wow. I did NOT expect that. That hurt. A lot. I was never going to hope for anything in my life ever again. Hoping is for idiots. I held my breath. I wasn’t going to cry.

“Oh that’s great, good for you I hope you guys are happy anyway I have to go I’ll see you around okay bye Jake!” I managed to say in one breath and walked ahead of him, straight into my classroom a few feet away. Granted it wasn’t the most gracious exit in the world and granted, it may have come out in one long sentence of pure nonsense but I had to get away. If I stood there a minute longer I would’ve broken down. In front of Jake, oh god. How could he be seeing someone after only a month and a few days?? That was ridiculous. I felt another stab.

I made my way to the back of the classroom and sat down. I fixed my things in place and opened my notebook. I held it together. I didn’t cry. Thank you God I didn’t cry. It’s okay Jen, so he’s seeing someone new now. That’s fine. Look at yourself and be proud. You didn’t cry, you don’t even want to cry. You’re fine. You’re good. You’re great. That little voice just kept saying the same lines over and over again in my head. You’re great.

And right when the teacher greeted us a good afternoon, I burst into tears.

Not again.

5 - The Breakfast Club

“What a dick. You should’ve kicked him in the nuts when he said he was seeing someone!” Nadia said, violently biting off a piece of her toast and jam.

“Now, now, that would’ve just made her stoop down to his level. You did a god job Jen, I’m proud of you for keeping it together,” Sam said, stirring her coffee with one hand, stroking my arm comfortingly with the other.

“At least you didn’t cry in front of him! Yay you!” Beth cheered on, putting another pancake on my plate.

After my encounter with Jake I had called each of them up to tell them what had happened. They all felt it was necessary to have an emergency sleep over to make sure I wouldn’t hang myself from my shower rod or anything. Damn them for being such awesome friends. There we were, the four of us on my kitchen counter, eating breakfast. Sam had gotten up a little earlier to make us a spread of comfort breakfast food before we all headed to school. She may have just been 19 but boy, could she cook. She was definitely ready to be a mom.

“Today’s gonna be better Jen, you’ll see. We’ll get through this, all of us, together,” Beth said positively again, smiling at me. I smiled back. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I had felt like I was back where I started, mourning over my failed relationship with the guy I thought was my soul mate. I felt a stab when I thought of the word. Soul mate. Ouch.

“And if anything, it’s our last week before finals week. Which means…” Sam trailed on, looking at Nadia.

“Sem breakkk!!!!!!!” Nadia shouted, jumping off from the counter stool and doing a little dance. I couldn’t help but laugh; my friends were really working over time to cheer me up.

“You guys are right. I just need to get over these two weeks and then I have a whole month to forget, move on, and become hot before the next semester starts,” I said, smiling at all of them. And right before any of them could speak I continued, “And never date another boy, EVER again.” I finished, smiling as I downed my orange juice. I saw each one of their faces drop at my last statement but I didn’t care. They could flirt and date all the boys they wanted over break. But not me- I was officially anti-boy. I wasn’t going to date anyone for a very, very long time. I wasn’t even going to look at a guy. No way. I’m going to stick to my statement. Hello new life.

And with that, I went upstairs to get ready for school, with all three of them silently following me up.

6 – Highlights of my Break

Here’s a list of all the highlights of my month long break. It’s in list form because, as you can imagine, I can’t really remember everything in detail. I drank too much, danced all night, and worked out in between. I had just come back from a break up, so you know how it goes. So here’s the list, I think you’ll come to find that in the end, you’ll be very proud of me.

Jen’s List of Everything that happened over break (Or everything that I remember at least)

1.     I enrolled in gym – Yup, despite losing the 8 pounds I still wasn’t happy with my body. I decided to gain a little more and tone up instead. I wanted a Pussycat Doll body by the end of the month, not some lanky, broken hearted girl walking around campus.

2.     I started driving again. No matter where the plans were, I begged my mom to let me drive again and I got it. I learned to feel independent and free, just by driving. Why oh why did I ever really even stop? I was learning to be independent without the help of a guy. Who needed Jake now? I could drive myself wherever!

3.     Sam got a boyfriend. Yes, “Mommy Sam” met a guy over break. They weren’t officially together yet, but they were getting there. We baptized him “Daddy Kyle.” He was perfect for her. Understanding, patient, generous, and very dad-like to us. He spent everyday with Sam, spending every moment with her. We barely saw her the rest of the break after they had met. He studied in a different college so they’d see less of each other when school started. We understood. She was happy and that’s what mattered.

4.     Nadia enrolled in boxing classes. Not that much of a surprise right? At least she found a new way to release all her angst without legitly killing anyone. We’d watch her matches every Saturday afternoon, feeling all “Million Dollar Baby.” It was fun.

5.     We were on every guest list of every “happening place” every Friday and Saturday night. When I said I was going to party, I really meant it. I don’t recall not being out 3/4s of the break. I’d take a day off to nurse the usual hang over or remind my parents that they had a daughter. But I was out 3/4s of the time and for a while it really helped.

6.     Beth and I enrolled in yoga together. When I started getting bored with my gym and realized that my PCD body was in no way going to happen, I quit and tried out Bikram. It felt really good too. I felt healthier. I started focusing on that instead of partying my pants off. It gave me peace of mind. I loved it.

7.     Nadia experimented with her sexuality. She kissed a girl one night and tried out being a lesbian for an entire week with that girl after. She’s straight again now. It wasn’t her cup of tea. We all had a really good laugh about it though.

8.     I learned to pray again. But really pray this time. Not for a new guy or an awesome body, but for faith. For strength. I fixed my relationship with God and with my family. I fixed up every relationship in my life that I felt mattered and was worth fixing. I was happy again, and I didn’t even need to be drunk to realize it.

9.     I bumped into Jake again at a party with his new girl. I was in a hot red dress and killer heels having the time of my life with my friends. I said hi to him and to her and surprisingly enough, it didn’t hurt anymore. The praying had worked.

10.  The break was over and I didn’t kiss, hook up, or even check out any guy. I kept my promise to myself and my friends couldn’t believe it. My new life was going to be aboutme. What I wanted and what I needed. I was in a good place and in a good relationship with myself. I didn’t need any guy to feel loved.

So as you can see, my break was awesome. It was everything I had hoped for and everything I needed it to be. I was my new self, independent and happy. I was ready to tackle the new semester without any distractions. I was going to focus on my yoga, on school and on my friends. This semester was going to rock!

And I had a really good feeling about that too.

- Jen

7 - That Guy

I walked to class feeling better today. It was a new semester and it was a legit fresh start for me. I could leave the old semester of heartbreak behind and try to get better, be better. Jake was going to be the farthest thing from my mind in this semester. I was going to make sure of that.

“Do you think there’ll be anyone cute in class? I hope they’ll be cute guys in class. I’ll be so bored if there aren’t,” Beth said pushing her hair behind her ear as we walked to our next class. I didn’t answer her question right away; I was too busy thinking of how I was going to get straight A’s- okay, no, that’s overreaching a bit, maybe B+’s and B’s. Yeah, that seemed more feasible. “Hello, earth to Jen, did you hear me? Don’t you want cute classmates too?” Beth asked again, tapping my shoulder as we walked on. “Oh sorry Beth, yeah, I hope there’ll be cute guys. But you know the population in this school. There are barely any good-looking guys anymore. They’re either all taken, gay or jerks.” I said, Jake’s face immediately flashing in my mind at the word jerk. I giggled silently. It honestly didn’t hurt anymore. I was so happy with the progress I had made.

Beth and I were one of the few that had arrived for that class- Communication Theory. It was a small, brightly lit classroom (too brightly lit actually, it was white light, howunflattering) and judging by the students already inside the room, the outcome of cute guys that Beth was hoping for seemed slim. We found two chairs near the front and sat down. “It’s a tiny class ah, I think we’re going to be less than 12,” I said, looking at Beth as I put my phone on silent. She looked up at me from her bag, “Yeah. Great. Definitely no cuties for us then.” She said sadly, placing her bright purple notebook on her desk. We waited. I checked my watch; class would start in a few minutes. More and more people started to enter and I finally got a glimpse of our teacher. She was this short, dark girl, in her mid 20s for sure, glasses on and polo crumpled, with a coffee tumbler in hand as she made her way to the front of the class. She plopped her bag down on the desk and took a sigh. Beth looked at me, suppressing a laugh. I shook my head and winked at her. This was going to be an interesting class. The room was almost full except for a few seats at the back. They were probably going to be empty anyway; I doubt anyone else was coming in since it was time already. The bell rang and our teacher stood up, “Good morning class my name’s Ms. Ana and I’m your Comm Theory teacher for this semester. Now I have with me here the syllabus which we-“ our teacher was cut off with the sound of the door opening. I looked back with the rest of the class to find four more students entering the room. They were all extremely tall, three out of the four dressed in shorts and Nike shirts, and one really skinny one in a Nike shirt and pants. What variety.

“Sorry Ma’am,” Three said in unison as they occupied the seats at the back. They were all athletes that I was sure of. They were all too tall and Nike-clad to be anything else. As everyone turned their attention back to our teacher I took one last look at the guys that had arrived. I didn’t look at all of them though, just at this one guy, the only one in the group in a cap. He was the only one that didn’t apologize for being late. He simply made his way to the chair in the corner of the last row and sat down. Wow what a guy, I thought. Typical athlete. As I continued to study him he looked up and caught me staring. I quickly turned around and opened my notebook. Ugh. I can’t believe he caught me looking. I bet he thinks I like him or find him cute. Yuck. As if. I hate vain jocks. They’re all just lazy and spoiled. I found my pen and started to jot down what Ms. Ana was writing on the board. I wasn’t going to like that guy I told myself.

No I wasn’t. 

8 - Day 2 of My New Life

“Anyone cute in your class?” Sam asked curiously, looking intently at Nadia.

“Nope. Nada. Not one.” She replied sadly, poking at her creamy dory meal. We were all together at the student terrace of our school, enjoying our one and only break wherein we all were available. We decided to make it our lunchtime spill fest, where we shared everything that had happened half of the day through. We’d continue the rest of course over the phone or after school for our end of the day coffee sessions. I moved my pesto around the plate, I wasn’t that hungry. I was dreading the class I had next- Comm. I was going to have to face that jock again today. You remember, the jock that caught me staring at him. Ew. I bet he just can’t wait for class, thinking I’m going to stare at him again. I so wasn’t going to. I was going to make him stare this time. I had worn the perfect outfit for it, too.

“You’re looking extra fine today Jen,” Sam shifted her attention to me, pointing out my look for the day, brow raised. They had all turned their attention on me, and I suddenly felt my cheeks flush. “Oh my god there’s someone cute in your class isn’t there?!” Nadia exclaimed, pointing her fork at me accusingly. I didn’t say a word. I simply continued moving my pesto around my plate. I wonder how much time I have before the conversation topic would change again…

“Beth spill! Spill now! Who’s the cutie!?” Nadia turned to Beth this time. I had forgotten that she was my classmate in Comm. Crap. This topic wasn’t going to go away. Great. Beth looked at me, puzzled. “I don’t recall there being anyone cute in our class, except this one guy but I don’t think he’s Jen’s type. Right Jen?” Beth asked, looking at me confused.

Putting my fork down, I decided to finally speak. “Can’t a girl dress nicer than usual for a change, just because she wants to?” I asked, looking at each of them. I was trying to avoid Beth’s question. “What’s the guy’s name Beth? Who? Who? Whooooo???” Nadia turned to Beth, sounding like an owl. She really wasn’t going to let this go. “Well he’s actually my crush. I found him cute. I don’t even think Jen noticed him. Did you Jen? He was one of the four that entered the class late,” Beth said looking at me again. An image of the snob jock entered my head. Oh no. Beth has a crush on him. My tummy flipped. Why does that bother me? She can crush on him all she wants! I don’t care. I don’t even like him. I don’t even find him cute. At all.

“Which one Beth? There were four. The snob one that didn’t apologize?” I asked, holding my tummy. Relax girl, what’s with you today? I asked it silently in my head. “No, not him. That was Matt. I’m talking about Vince. Vince was the smallest one, the really white one. Remember him??” Beth asked more enthusiastic this time. I guess she really wanted me to remember this Vince guy but the truth was, I only remembered that one athlete. My tummy settled down at the sound of a different name. Wait a second… she knew their names?

“How do you know who they are Beth? How do you know their names?” I asked, trying not to sound as shocked as I really was. Sam and Nadia were turning their attention back and forth as Beth and I exchanged words about the identities of those four guys. “I guess you were too busy spacing out already to have paid any attention to class introductions, huh Jen?” Sam asked me playfully. I smiled at her and shook my head. I guess I really was.

“Come on, we’re going to be late for class. We should all get a move on. Coffee later at 4?” Nadia asked, standing up and grabbing her plate. We all stood up and said our goodbyes. Beth and I headed for our next class. Beth kept on and on about something about the weird weather forecast next week but my mind was off, wandering about something else.

What kind of a name is Matt anyway? Sounds like a really stupid name to me. Who would name their kid Matt? Huh. Guess it suits him though. Stupid name for a stupid guy. I giggled at my brilliant conclusion. “Hey, I’m gonna head to the bathroom I’ll meet you inside yeah?” I said to Beth, returning back to the world from my thoughts. She agreed and went on ahead. As I turned towards the bathroom my phone rang from inside my bag. I quickly searched inside while walking, not paying attention to where I was going when-BAM!

“Ouch!” I exclaimed angrily, looking up to see who it was I had bumped. My cell phone was finally in my hand, still ringing incessantly. Well I’ll be damned.

“Oh sorry. Uh, Hi,” He said, flashing me an awkward smile.

“Oh. Hey Matt.”

9 - This is, what’s that word again? Oh yeah. AWKWARD.

“You bumped him??” Nadia said, almost spilling her coffee as she repeated my last sentence.

“Yes, I bumped him. I was too busy looking through my bag for my phone okay. It’s not like I did it on purpose!” I said defensively, I couldn’t believe they thought that I had done that intentionally! Ewww!

“Jen, no one is saying you did, why are you being so defensive about this?” Sam asked calmly. We were all at the coffee shop near our school. It was 4pm in the afternoon and we had all finished our long and very tiring second day of classes.

“I’m not being defensive, I just don’t like Nadia’s tone. She makes it come out like I did it on purpose when I didn’t. I don’t even know the guy so why would I do that?” I continued on. Okay maybe I did sound a little bit defensive. But only a little. “Whatever Jen, now I know why you wore that outfit today,” Nadia snickered, taking another sip from her coffee. I looked down and studied my outfit. So what if I was wearing white shorts and a white polo with a cute brown belt and my favorite tribal sandals? It’s not like I was in a long gown or something. And okay maybe it took me 45 minutes to figure out what hairstyle suited the outfit best (hair bunned messily with soft, delicate tendrils falling on either side) and maybe I sprayed some of my new tropical perfume. But that didn’t mean I wanted to impress the jock. I mean Matt. That didn’t mean anything at all.

“Come on Jen, no one wears shorts THAT short without wanting a lil somethin somethin,” Nadia continued, gesturing smugly at how short my shorts were. Okay so maybe they were a tad bit short.

“What’s important here is that he apologized for bumping you, right?” Beth asked, trying to help me with this never-ending Matt topic. I silently thanked her in my head. I nodded and took a sip from my coffee. I prayed that they would change topic already, I didn’t want to spend my entire afternoon talking about Matt when I barely knew the guy. Thankfully they took a hint and changed the topic. Sam went on about how much she missed Kyle and Nadia spoke about her fight two weeks from now. She was saying something about how tough her next opponent would be and how excited she was to finally be “challenged.” The funny thing was, as much as I had prayed for them to change the topic, my mind was still on the subject of, well, Matt.

Did he think I bumped him on purpose? Oh god. If he thinks I bumped him on purpose then he’s even more stuck up then I thought. But that shouldn’t even matter to me. What am I even saying? Geez Jen, get a grip! Who cares what he thinks! It’s not like you’re going to be friends with him or something. I did my best to shake off the idea of Matt in my head and regained my focus on the conversation my friends were having. They had all decided to have dinner together before heading home. I better remember to text my mother about it. We stayed another hour, talking about the rest of our days and spent another hour deciding on where to eat.

“Guys seriously it doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve been here two hours, can we please just pick a place to eat already!” Beth raised her voice. She always got cranky when she was hungry. It was probably the only time you’d ever really see Beth angry or cranky. We debated for a few more minutes before deciding on Larry’s- the sports bar a couple of restaurants away. We all made our way to our cars and each got to the Larry’s a few minutes apart. Making our way inside the restaurant, the crisp scent of melted cheese filled the air. My stomach grumbled. I didn’t realize just how hungry I really was. We sat down in a booth and scanned through our menus. I was midway through the main courses when Beth whispered from behind her menu, “Jen, don’t look right away, but Matt and a couple of his team mates just walked in.” We all immediately turned our attention towards the double glass doors, making sure our menus still covered our faces. And just as Beth had whispered, there they were. There were six of them today, none of which were dressed in athletic attire. I wondered if they had just finished training or something and decided to grab a bite to eat.

“Oh my God. Beth which is the one you like? Cause I seriously only see three hotties in that group and I’m praying one of them is yours,” Nadia said, putting down her menu and looking intently at Beth. We all put our menus down and waited for Beth to answer.

“He’s the one in-“ She was just about to identify her ‘boy’ to Sam and Nadia when we were all interrupted by the waiter. Nadia shot him a deadly look as we gave him our orders. The poor guy, he was just doing his job. The moment he had left we turned our attention back at Beth. “He’s the one in purple, that’s Vince,” Beth said, blushing at the sound of his name. Oh wow, she crushed on this guy bad. “And which one’s the famous Matt, Jen?” Nadia asked a little too loudly, turning to me. I scowled at her but quickly fixed my face when I noticed the group of boys looking for a table. Please don’t sit near us please don’t sit near us… I silently prayed in my head. I was relieved when they had settled at a table in the corner of the restaurant, quite a distance away from ours. I turned to Nadia, “He isn’t my guy, Nads. But if you must know, he’s the one in the black shirt,” I said, rolling my eyes and taking a sip from my house water. I waited for Sam and Nadia’s reactions as they turned to look at the table of boys across the room.

“Uhm, unless you’ve got a third eye or something Jen, I don’t think your ‘famous’ Matt is here,” Nadia said, turning her attention back at me. My heart dropped. She had to be joking, Beth saw him too! I couldn’t have been imagining things, I couldn’t. “Very funny Nads but he’s there. I just saw him-“ I said turning my head towards the table when I was cut off by a figure. Everyone stopped talking and looked in silence.

“Hey, Jen, right?” he said, flashing me a smile. My stomach flipped.

Oh no.

10 - Who Ordered the Cheese Pizza, Extra Butterflies?

He was still smiling as I racked my brain for an answer. It finally kicked in and I began to speak, “Yeah… Matt, right?” I had managed to say. How original, Jen. You’re a regular Shakespeare. I made a mental note to kill myself in the shower later tonight.

He smiled at me, not saying a word. I decided to speak up again, “So what’re you doing here? I thought you guys would’ve had training or something,” Not that I care… ish. Okay maybe I was just curious as to why of all the places to eat in this strip, they decided to eat here. I was God’s little joke. A look of surprise passed Matt’s face as he began to speak,

“Yeah, it’s our off day today actually, so no practice. I didn’t think you knew we were on the team,” He said, flashing me another smile. My stomach flipped again. What is wrong with me? I noticed that my friends remained silent during this whole exchange, looking intently back and forth as Matt and I spoke. I bet they were thoroughly amused. “Yeah I don’t follow the games or anything but you guys were too Nike clad to be anything but athletes. You guys left little to the imagination after that,” I had managed to say, despite my stomach being attacked from the inside by butterflies. Actually, they felt more like bats. Huge, ginormous bats that were going to burst out from my stomach at any moment. Why couldn’t I calm down?

“Haha… yeah, I guess you got us then,” He said, laughing. He had a pretty cute laugh.Flip. “Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, my team mate saw you guys from across the room and I decided to head on over. I’ll see you tomorrow yeah?” He finished, shifting his weight from either foot, hands in his jeans pockets. Why was that all of a sudden cute? “Yup, yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow, Matt.” I said with a smile. Flip. My stomach flipped for the millionth time as I said his name. He smiled one last time and turned around, walking back to his table. I was finally able to breathe again. I grabbed my glass of water and gulped it all down; man was I thirsty.

“Jen, if you get any redder they might put you through the slicer and make you the pepperoni topping of our pizza!” Sam teased, turning her attention on me. They had ALL turned their attention to me after Matt had left. I said nothing in reply to Sam, I couldn’t even think. The butterflies in my stomach had calmed down, but they hadn’t left yet. What were they still doing in there? Please don’t tell me they were going to be permanent residents. I don’t think I could handle that.

“Well he is pretty cute, Jen. But so not your type!” Nadia said, matter-of-factly. She was right. Matt wasn’t my type, at all. So why did I have butterflies indicating that he was? Maybe it was just indigestion. I was probably just hungry. “I wonder why Vince didn’t come to say hi. We say hi in the halls all the time…” Beth said sadly. I forgot she was even in the table. We all turned to find her pouting, tearing little bits of her paper napkin as she sighed silently.

“Cheese pizza with pepperoni?” Our waiter said, setting the plate of pizza down on our table. I quickly reached for a slice and took a huge bite. The boiling cheese burnt the roof of my mouth but I didn’t care. I had to kill these butterflies in my stomach. They had to die.

Now.

11 - Disappointment Day

I’ve never been the type to spend hours and hours getting ready for any event. Whether it was a wedding, a funeral or a party I never cared if my hair wasn’t perfect or if I didn’t have any make up on. But all of a sudden I woke up this morning with an overwhelming urge to make sure I looked and felt perfect- even if it was just for school. Get a grip Jen; he’s just a guy for heaven’s sake. But that was just it. He wasn’t just some guy. There was something about this guy that I had to figure out. I swore the first day I saw him that I would loathe him and avoid him for all eternity for simply being who he was, another athlete. But no matter how hard I tried every time I thought about him my stomach would flip, without fail. I decided that I had to observe him more closely and for a longer period of time to get to the bottom of this bizarre tummy situation. Yeah right – a little voice said in my head. And okay yeah maybe I wanted to see if he was really cute… even if he wasn’t my type.

It took my almost an hour and a half to get ready for school but I managed to make it to my first class without being late. I was proud of myself for this achievement. When I was with Jake we’d always end up being late for our classes. There were just so many more awesome things to do like sleep in or watch him play video games than go to class on time. I made a mental note to never be late for any of my classes again after the break up. I breezed through my first two classes, spacing out and checking the clock every minute. Why was time taking forever until my Comm class? Cause you’re waiting to see him, idiot. There goes that little voice again. I had to figure out where the “off” button for that voice was. I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I hurried to the student terrace where I found my group of friends already munching on their lunches and chatting away. I passed by the beverage counter and bought an orange juice- I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to get this hour over with so I could hurry to my next class. I did need to observe after all. Yeah right. Stupid voice whispered again. Maybe I’m being haunted. I greeted everyone and sat down, bringing out my history book and opening my juice. I pretended to read so as to avoid any conversation with anyone. I stared at my book and turned the pages when I felt it was believable. I sipped my juice in silence and I was grateful hat no one seemed to want to bother me about anything. At least they were considerate friends, leaving me alone to “study.” I made sure to not glance at my watch or cell phone in fear of slowing down time even more. I stuck to my book and my juice. Time had to pass eventually.

“Jen, you coming?” I was pulled away from my book to find Beth already standing, waiting for me. I looked around and saw that the terrace was emptying, everyone rushing to their next classes. I had done it. I had managed to distract myself long enough to get through the hour. I smiled at her and fixed my things. We walked to class together in silence. Just before we reached the classroom I excused myself, explaining to Beth that I needed to use the bathroom. She nodded and headed in and I made my way towards the ladies room. Inside I powdered my nose, ran my fingers through my hair and sprayed on some more perfume. I looked in the mirror and smiled. I was pleased with how I looked. I had picked the perfect outfit- not too dressy and not too chill. He would appreciate this kind of look, every guy did. Or at least that’s what GQ magazine says. I shook my head and took a deep breath. This was it; I was going to enter that classroom looking fresh and pretty, pretending to not notice him looking at me. I hoped he’d look at me at least. I walked towards the classroom and put my hand on the doorknob. This was it. I fixed my hair on the right side of my face. I was going to let it fall to conceal my face on the side; which would give me the advantage of checking to see if he was looking at me through my peripheral vision. I smiled and turned the knob, entering the room and closing the door. I couldn’t wait to see his face looking at me, the “late comer” entering the room.

I bit my lip and looked to the side in excitement.

My heart dropped.

His seat was empty.

12 – 9 Words of Shock, 2 Words of Doom

That jerk! Why did he say “See you tomorrow” when he wouldn’t show up for class anyway? Ugh that was so inconsiderate of him!

I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I still couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t show up for class today. Why didn’t he show up? I had decided to skip our usual coffee break after school. I was too upset and I didn’t want any of my friends hounding me down for how my day went. Cause truth be told, it sucked. I couldn’t get my mind off of the fact that Matt didn’t show up for class after saying he would the other day. I mean, why wouldn’t he have shown up? All his friends and teammates were there, why wasn’t he? Okay, so maybe I wasn’t really upset about Matt not showing up. I was upset with the fact that it bothered me so much that he didn’t. Why was that?

I stood up and walked around my room. I needed to do something to distract myself from over thinking and overanalyzing the situation. He didn’t show. So what? I cared. That’s what. Damn it. I started picking up the pieces of clothing I had left strewn across the room in my quest to find the perfect outfit today. And for what? For nothing, that’s what. He didn’t even show. This outfit went to waste. I shook my head again and tossed them all into the hamper. I didn’t even bother folding them all back. What was the point in even dressing up? I had to get a grip. I had to go back to being me. Not caring how I looked to any boy. I didn’t need any boy. I had established that before the break and lived up to it over the break. This stupid jock wasn’t going to change how I was. I gave Beth a call and apologized via speakerphone to the girls about being MIA. They all accepted and told me I owed them one tomorrow. I politely agreed while rolling my eyes, they couldn’t see that part anyway and hung up. I walked over to my iPod dock and picked my “Rainy Day” playlist- sure it wasn’t raining but it fit my mood. I walked over to my desk and turned on my laptop.

I waited patiently for it to load and finally I had connected to the wifi and logged in my usual social networking site. And there it was, staring me right in the face.

“Matt would like to add you as a friend.”

The nine most shocking words I had never expected to read today. Which were followed by two of the most difficult words I had to choose from.

“Accept”

“Deny”

What to choose?

13 – The Click That May Have Just Changed My Life (Ok Maybe I’m Overreaching)

I stared at the screen for a good minute or two before it finally registered. He was adding me as a friend. Now I know most adults would just be like “And?” but for us kids nowadays this was something pretty big. If I accepted, he would have access to everything. All my photos, my wall posts and my likes and interests on my information page. And if I declined it would seal my fate with him forever. Denying him here would mean that I didn’t want to be his friend on this site, which would mean that I didn’t want to be his friend in real life. Which was the total opposite of what I wanted. I think.

I decided to go through his profile pictures before deciding what to do. Because pictures will totally help this case, Jen. So his main one was typical- him and another one of his teammates standing by the bleachers, it looked like an after practice shot. They were both sweaty and laughing while holding their Gatorade cups. Okay. Next. As I began going through his profile pictures, the butterflies in my stomach resurfaced and began attacking me. Full force. All the pictures were so cute. Him on the field, at a party, with his friend and this other girl who his right arm is over but in a totally friendly way. I decide to name her “Slut” in my head. She from hence for shall be known as SLUT to me. Regardless of who she is. The next one is him in a car and with his family- I breathed in deeply, slowly. Come on, they have to calm down at some point. They finally stopped when I had reached the last picture on his profile. Wait. That’s it? I looked again. He only had twelve photos. Twelve freakin photos. Who has only twelve photos?! I found a new frustration to add to my list of frustrations in everyday life- when your crush has less than fifteen profile pictures on his account.

Wait.

Did I just say crush?

Shaking my head I left his profile and went back to my page. Now was the big decision. I needed to decide whether or not to accept him. I mean, he didn’t show up for class today when he said he would. That shows that he’s unreliable. Oh come on Jen, give me a break. There goes that little voice again. Stupid voice. I moved the cursor back and forth between buttons. Hmm… Oh what the hell, there’s no harm in accepting him here. It’s just a social networking site. Clicking “Accept” I smiled. It’s not like he can see me right now anyway, and the fact that it took me awhile shows that I was busy. Plus, I’m not going to be the one to bring this up the next time we talk. I’ll play it cool while he figures out how to start this. Right. Good job me. It’s not like I’m going to talk to him any time soon too. Tomorrow was Saturday. No class. Phew.

And just when I thought I was in the clear, a little window popped up on the lower right side of my screen.

“Hey Jen, thanks for accepting my request. J”

I forgot this site had friend chat. Crap.

And the butterflies attacked.

Again.

14 – Wait, Did I Just Say….

I don’t know really remember the events of last night’s chat but I do remember getting to know Matt a little bit more. He was an athlete most of his life, focusing on football and becoming a sports scholar ever since he won some Most Promising Football Player award back in the fourth grade… or something. He also loved other sports too, and he loved animals, hiking, all kinds of music, and dreamt of learning how to play the guitar and sing. He also had a little sister, Maggie, and his parents have been happily married and deeply in love since they met way back in high school. Okay. So maybe I knew a lot about him. No biggie. Same thing, just getting to know a new friend.

… Was that what he was now? A new friend?

I walked to class silently, buried deep in my thoughts of last night.  Beth knew I was busy thinking about something, so she chose to hum some song that had been playing over the radio for a couple of days now. Some teeny bopper boy singing about a baby or a girl he called baby or something. “Will you go to the bathroom again before class? Cause I’m heading in already, I need to check the notes of Sandra. I think I’m incomplete for last week’s lesson and I’m scared for our first test on Friday,” Beth asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Huh? Oh yeah yeah, go ahead, I’ll go wash my face. Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I said, shaking my head again. Beth smiled,

“Yeah, you look like a mess. Fix your hair and wash your face will you. You wouldn’t want certain people to see you that way,” she said, winking then walking away. What did she mean by ‘certain people’? Oh come on Jen, you knew exactly what she meant by that. You knew exactly who, rather. Rushing to the bathroom I knew I only had a couple of minutes before the bell rang. Checking my face in the mirror I shrieked silently in horror. Beth was right. My eye bags were more like the size of check in luggage, and my hair resembling a bit of Mufasa from the Lion King. I had to fix myself.

Splashing water and combing my hair out with my fingers was all that I could do to fix myself. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it did make a difference. A little difference, but a difference still. Spraying my usual perfume I took a deep breath and headed for the classroom. Just as I was about to reach for the handle of the door, a hand stopped me, opening the door for me. I looked up to find him there, smiling at me.

“Hi, good morning,” he said, grinning an impossibly gorgeous and name-stopping grin. Darn it.

“Don’t you mean afternoon? Good afternoon, Matt,” I said, smirking back at him. I was trying to keep my composure but something about him made me blush every time I saw him. What a jerk to do that to me.

“Oh, sorry. Haha, I meant afternoon. After you,” He said again, motioning for me to go ahead. His laugh was so cute. “Thanks,” I said, smiling as I walked in. Thanks? Thanks??? Was that all I could come up with? Whatever. He was just another guy and I had more important things to focus on. Like our big test on Friday. I had to listen in class. The period went by in a blur. I managed to zone out my teacher’s lecture on Communication factors and began doodling, thinking about how the night went. I remember sharing things with him that I didn’t think I would- it was so soon of me to be so open about myself. Why did I allow myself to say those things? I couldn’t figure it out. The bell rang and woke me up from my thoughts again and I hurriedly shut my notebook and began packing my things. I looked over at Beth and she signaled that she was going to head for the bathroom, I nodded, I’d just meet her there then. I watched her leave as I picked up the rest of my things and headed for the door. I noticed that Matt’s seat was already empty- I guess he had to rush somewhere. I left the classroom and just as I was about to make a right for the bathroom, Matt stopped me.

“Hey Jen, Can we talk for a bit?” He asked, revealing the same knee-weakening smile he did a while ago. Ugh. Audition for some toothpaste commercial why don’t you?

“Yeah Matt, what’s up?” I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could but to me I felt a change in my tone when I spoke to him. I sounded so, so caring and gentle. What.

“So the test is on Friday already and I’m pretty much screwed,” He said, looking at me. Well it’s probably cause you’re a dumb jock, Matt. I tried shaking the little voice in my head that hated him, and smiled at him to continue. “So I was wondering, I mean, none of my team mates take down notes really, and I don’t even think any of them really know that the test is on Friday but I was wondering if you’d uh, like to maybe get a coffee after school on Thursday? Maybe we could uh, study together? I mean, I see you taking down a bunch of notes and I’m sure I’m lacking in them and you probably get the lessons more than me so I was just wondering…” Wow. This guy could go on and on about something. Was he nervous? It’s like he couldn’t stop talking. And giving reasons as to why he wanted to hang out. Wait, he didn’t want to hang out, he wanted to study together. That’s totally different, right?

“Sure Matt, Thursday sounds good,” I said, sort of interrupting his monologue about theories and having his pen run out of ink or something. I looked up at him and found a shocked expression on his face- he quickly changed it though, but I saw it. Was he expecting me to say no?

“Great. That’s great! Thanks Jen, I owe you. And let’s take my car and everything. My treat, the coffee I mean. And a pastry, or pastries, I mean, whatever you want to get during our study meeting. Session. Hour? Haha” He said again, laughing. Was he nervous? I didn’t care, he was so cute. I waved to him a good bye as he went down the stairs, smiling at me one last time. Just then, Beth appeared, clearly confused as to why I didn’t make it to the bathroom.

“Why didn’t you meet me in there?” she asked. “Matt pulled me aside, he asked me if I could tutor him on Thursday for our test. I mean not tutor but like, study together. Or something,” I said, I was confused as well, I didn’t know exactly what to call it.

“He asked you on a date?!” Beth asked, smiling from ear to ear. “No, not a date, a study thing,” I said, getting annoyed at how giddy she was getting. “What did you say?” She asked, clearly unfazed by my annoyance.

Then I realized it. I realized what I had said. And just then, a smile crept across my face,

“Yes. I said yes.” 

15 – Stood up?

I couldn’t think of anything else except for this day to end. Thursday had never seemed so long to me in my entire life. It annoyed me to no end and I knew exactly why.

“So where are you guys going after class hmmm?” Beth asked, smirking and poking me as we walked to our last class of the day, Comm. “I have no idea, we didn’t really decide on a place and haven’t had a chance to talk about it, I wasn’t online all day yesterday and we don’t have each other’s numbers so yeah,” I said, avoiding eye contact with her. I was so afraid I was going to blush and she’d catch me. “Pick a nice, quite place. An intimate place… A cozy place… Where you guys can, you know, study… or look into each others eyes or something,” Beth said with a laugh. I couldn’t believe she was teasing me to Matt. What was worse was that I kind of liked that she was. Oh no.

I shook my head and kept quiet the whole walk to the classroom. Once we entered I surveyed the area. All of his teammates were there, but Matt was nowhere to be found. Was he going to cut and stand me up on our date? Date. I mean, study session. I sat on my desk and tried to concentrate as our teacher went on about final reminders for the test and her short review. How could I concentrate if Matt wasn’t in class? Was I going to end up studying alone? Oh whatever, it’s his loss anyway. The bell rang and I shut my notebook feeling ticked off. I can’t believe he’s going to stand me up from a study session, which he asked me to help him with. It was a favor and he’s irresponsible and immature enough to just forget and leave me without even giving me a heads up. What a jerk. I was never ever going to speak to him again. He was going to be air to me, there but invisible. Jerk jerk jerk. I hurried out of the room forgetting about Beth and rushed downstairs. I was going to walk into my car, drive home and scream in my pillow. I couldn’t take it. I was disappointed yet again by another guy. A guy I didn’t even know that much about. A guy I didn’t even like. That much.

Not looking where I was going I ended up bumping into a hard, wall like structure. I looked up and found the last person I wanted to see, him.

“Hey Jen, are you ready to study?” He asked, smiling from ear to ear. What was he doing here? “Oh that’s today? Yeah I forgot, you weren’t in class today so I totally forgot,” I said. What a lie Jen. “Oh class, yeah, I had to skip today, I was finishing up some stuff and some of it got in the way. Sorry about that, but uhm, you still wanna head out?” He asked. He looked pretty stressed about something alright. I wonder what stuff he had to fix. “That depends… Is it still your treat?” I asked.

He smiled from ear to ear.

“Of course it is,” and we turned around and walked to his car.

16 – Thursday Tutor. Study Session. Thursdate?

“So where do you want to go?” He asked, starting the engine and fixing the radio. I fastened my seatbelt and crossed my legs, “Any place is fine with me, what are you up for anyway?” I asked, it felt so natural to look at him from the passenger’s seat. I could get used to this. No you can’t Jen. And you won’t. There goes that little voice in my head again. “Know any place quiet and not too crowded? I can’t study with a lot of people hanging around, I’ll start spacing out and you’ll end up punching me,” He said, looking at me playfully. He was so cute it annoyed me. “Oh don’t tempt me, I might just pick the busiest place then,” I said back, was I flirting? He laughed again and just looked at me. I had to pick a place. “There’s a little coffee shop in one of the back streets near by. Really good coffee and cakes, and it’s really chill and with little people. It’s one of my favorite places near by,” I said. “Let’s go then,” he replied, putting the car on reverse.

We got to my favorite coffee shop and parked, not saying a word to each other as we walked up the steps to the entrance. He held the door open for me, something Jake never did. I was pleasantly surprised, it seemed so automatic to him, like he knew that he had to do it because it was the gentleman thing to do. He was raised well. Don’t put him up on such a high pedestal Jen. It’s just a door. Stupid voice. But it was right. We entered and the aroma of sweet dough and hot coffee filled my nose and warmed my body. I really did love this place. We found a cozy spot by the corner with two little couches and a small table. The lighting was nice too. Cozy… I could hear Beth’s voice in my head and I couldn’t help but laugh. We ordered and fixed our things on the little table in between us.

“Sorry I just copied whatever you got, I’ve never been here before so I wasn’t so sure of the menu,” Matt said, smiling at me as he brought out his pens. “No worries, I go here all the time and I’ve basically tried everything here, but what we ordered are all of my favorites,” I said, opening up my notebook to the page of our lesson. “I’m sure it’s gonna be great then!” He said, smiling genuinely at me. I loved his smile. It was so welcoming. And I loved being in the same coffee shop, a little table away from him. It felt so normal, so natural, so right. Wait a second there Jen. Right? There’s nothing ‘right’ about it. It’s your favorite place and that’s why you feel that way. It’s not because of this Matt guy so let it go. There goes that little voice again, reasoning out my feelings. I really wish I could just shut it off.

Our orders arrive and we decide to relax and unwind before getting started. He was telling a story about a time when he went to Brazil to compete in some international football league. We laughed and told each other lame jokes and little things about ourselves. I told him about my family and how crazy we get from time to time. I loved telling him stories. He seemed genuinely interested and was great at keeping eye contact. I felt like I was the only thing he was paying attention to. I had forgotten how good that felt. Just when he was about to tell me the punch line of a joke we were interrupted.

“Matt! Hey! I didn’t think you went here. How are you?”

Of course this girl had to be gorgeous. Of course she had to know Matt. But the real question echoing in my head was who she was…

To Matt.

17 – Meet “Marvelous” Marissa

            I quickly turned my attention to Matt, judging the expression on his face as he looked up at the gorgeous girl standing in front of us. She wasn’t even making eye contact with me, let alone even looking at me. Rude much? Insecure much, Jen? Shut up little voice.

“Marissa! Hey, hey how are you?” Matt asked, stuttering a bit. Why was he so nervous in seeing her? I shifted in my seat, this was getting uncomfortable.

“I’m good, I’m surprised to see you here, this isn’t your normal hang out spot,” Marissa said, still not looking in my direction. Hello, I exist too, you know. “Yeah I’m studying. I’m here with Je- my friend, Jen. Jen, this is Marissa,” Matt said, looking at me and finally introducing me to Marissa. She looked slowly towards the other end of the table where I was, studying me for a bit before saying the world’s most plastic Hello greeting ever. I smiled back.

“Did you know that Angela’s back? She just arrived a couple of days ago, she’s settling back into her place before fixing her schedule for the semester,” Marissa continued, pretending I wasn’t even there. Wow, she was really rude. I just decided to focus my attention on Matt’s face. Why did he cringe a bit at the name Angela? I was so curious now. “Oh she is? Good for her. I wouldn’t know and I’m kind of really busy, especially now, got lots of school stuff to do so yeah,” He said. Why was he so affected? Marissa looked back at me, eyes cold, “I can see that. Well, I’m just letting you know. You should give her a call you know, catch up. Ask her how she is and whatever. Well, nice seeing you Matt and Jen,” she finished, half smiling and walking away. I swear she was about to vomit trying to say my name. What was her problem? I hated her already. Matt smiled politely and turned to me, pressing his lips together. I don’t think he knew what to say.

“So, she was nice,” I said as sarcastically as I could, shaking my head and taking a bite from my oriental chicken salad. “Yeah well, that’s Marissa for you. She’s very, how would you say…” “Rude?” I finished his sentence and took another bite from my salad. He laughed and nodded in agreement, twirling some of his chocolate chicken pasta. “And who’s Angela?” I asked, I decided I wasn’t going to pretend I didn’t hear anything when I heard everything that went on. Who was this infamous Angela that Marissa practically begged Matt to call. “No one, Marissa’s friend,” Matt said. Could he be more vague? He took two more bites from his pasta, not saying a word and barely making any eye contact with me, flipping through some of his notes from class. I played around with my salad, I couldn’t eat with the thought of Matt keeping something from me. I was curious and I just had to know. It was something about me that I’ve had since I was a kid, I had to know everything. Everything.

“So let’s get started?” Matt asked, it had been 20 minutes of silence after the encounter with Marissa and we were both done with our meals. He moved his notebook around and brought out another notepad for our discussion. I brought out my extra pens and highlighters and fixed them neatly on the table. Angela Angela Angela. The name just kept repeating in my head and I couldn’t shake it off. Part of me wanted to know who she was and the other half didn’t. I was a conflicted lunatic in the café, not even noticing anything else except that I had to know who she was.

“Matt, before we begin, you have to tell me. Cause seriously, I hate being left in suspense. So tell me! I’m your friend anyway, who’s Angela?” I asked, smiling. I had to know. “You’re not going to stop until I tell you, huh?” He asked, looking concerned. “Yup,” I said, “Come on just tell me and I’ll leave it alone. No more questions after that. You’ll make me the happiest girl and best tutor ever if you tell me,” I said, smiling. This was it. He was going to tell me, I was so happy I was finally going to know.

“My girlfriend,” Matt said, looking at me with a serious expression.

My heart sank to my stomach. My body froze. My face went numb. I suddenly wished I had never asked. I suddenly wished I wasn’t there.

His girlfriend.

——————-

For all you MATT fans out there, here’s HIS Thoughts On Paper. Enjoy! :)

xx Karla

1 - Early Morning Sunrise

I checked my clock – 7:00 am. I had set my alarm for 8 but I had managed to still wake up an hour earlier than I was supposed to. And this was after sleeping at 5:00 that morning. Damn jet lag. I lay on my back and stared at my ceiling. I missed the summer training camp in Madrid. Our team had the privilege (with a big thanks to passionate alumni) to train in Spain over the summer. It was a great way for us to regroup as a team and a great way for me to get over my break up with Angela. We had been going out for over a year when things started to go south for us. She started seeing me less and I decided to focus on football to distract myself. Before I knew it she was seeing someone else and that was that. I remember confronting her and all she could say was, “I thought we were just, well, over.” That bitch.

I turned to my side to shrug off the thought of her. I hadn’t thought about her all summer and I wasn’t planning to. This year was going to be about football for me. I was going to train harder and work harder. I wanted our team to win the championship again this year and with the intense training we had over the summer I could taste the victory in my mouth. I checked the clock again, 7:05. Wow. A whole five minutes had passed and I still found myself restless. I grabbed my laptop and checked my school account. I synced my phone to my schedule for the semester. Reading through the classes I realize that none of them sounded remotely interesting. Math, English, Philosophy, History and Communication Theory. They all sounded pretty basic and pretty boring. Looking at the clock on my screen I decided to hit the shower, that would buy me at least another 20 minutes before I had to really get ready for school. A shower, three bagels and a TV football game later I was on my way to school.

I had gone to my first two classes and by the end of them I was exhausted and bored. I sat silently as my friends exchanged comments on their first classes. “Dude, really hot chick in my Spanish class. Imma tap that without Leya knowing Haha!” Joseph laughed, we all laughed in unison but knowing just how under he was with Leya, we knew he was just joking. “Yeah dude, I got a couple of steady looking girls in my Finance class too. But they’re all like, Chinese,” Tyler said, finishing off his sandwich. I tried to remember if there were any cute girls in my first two classes, but I couldn’t remember any of my classmates. I guess there wasn’t anyone cute enough to spot, or maybe I was just really done with girls for the moment. I really did plan on making football the only thing on my mind and so far it was working.

“Yo bro, we going to class or what?” Vince asked, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up to find him fixing the strap on his backpack, the others all standing up to get to their next classes. “Yeah man I’m coming,” I said, standing up. We had bumped in to a couple of our other team mates and realized that four of us were going to be in the same class. We passed by the athletics office before heading to class to get our practice schedules from the secretary. We walked casually to our class, I checked my watch- we were ten minutes late. As Vince and the rest made their way in the room I decided to go in last to be unnoticed. I kept my cap down to hide my embarrassment and found a chair nearest the door at the back. I planned on remaining this way all throughout the semester. Our teacher turned to face the board after our grand entrance and just when I thought the coast was clear, I could feel someone staring. I looked up to find a girl in the front, looking back at me. As my eyes caught hers she quickly turned around and started jotting down on her notebook. I studied her back- she had light brown hair that fell softly down to her shoulders. Her outfit was simple- a white shirt, jeans and a pair of light pink flats. I watched her intently, hoping to catch her looking back at me again, but she never did. Too bad too-

She was kinda cute.

 2- Practice Preoccupied

It was 4:00 pm and that only meant one thing- practice. I couldn’t wait for my three hours of no stress and nothing but football with our coaches and my team. It was a release for me, a break. As I changed into my practice gear and walked on over to the field I spotted the rest of my team mates warming up, talking and laughing about their days. I set up my stuff on the bench and jogged towards them.

“Finally you decide to grace us with your presence kind sir,” said Rob. He was my closest buddy on the team. If girls had “best friends” then that was Rob for me (no homo of course). I checked my watch at Rob’s sarcastic accusation, it was 4:15 pm and practice didn’t start for another 15 minutes. “Yeah I thought you guys could use a real football player on the field today,” I said smirking, sitting on the grass to start stretching. They continued talking about their days, the cuties in their class, their teachers and what was on TV last night. Fifteen minutes later coach whistled us in and we all jogged to the middle of the field. He checked our attendance as he went through his list- we were all there, except Joseph. “Jo” as we called him, was the youngest on the team; and we reminded him that he was every single day. “Coach he’s probably on his way, maybe his class ended late,” Tyler said, adjusting his shorts. We all held back our laughs- we knew exactly where Jo was. “Yeah, or cleaning up after his master Lisa!” Vince whispered to me. I laughed silently and nodded in agreement. Jo’s girlfriend Lisa wasn’t exactly the easiest girlfriend to deal with- in fact, she was a pain (and that’s putting it nicely). Just then a figure was running towards our huddle, it was Jo.

“Sorry I’m late coach, I couldn’t find parking by the field so I had to park far and I ran but my stuff was everywhere and-“ Jo was out of breath by the time he reached us. Panting and bending over to breathe, we all fell silent waiting for coach’s decision- he never tolerated tardiness. “Fifty push ups Thompson. Then you join the rest for regular drills. Now.” Was all coach said and with that, we broke away from our huddle and began our basic drills. After several sprints, kicks and lifts we paired up to practice our passes. Jo managed to catch up pretty quickly despite his 50 push-ups but he didn’t finish quick enough to be my usual partner. I ended up partnering with Vince.

“So Com class was pretty interesting huh?” Vince asked me, passing the ball across. “What do you mean? Interesting how?” I answered, kicking the ball back. “Turns out our prof is like 23 bro. And according to Beth it’s her first teaching year and lucky us, we’re her first class!” Vince laughed, juggling. Beth? Who the hell was Beth? “Bro who’s Beth? I thought we didn’t know anyone from our class?” I asked confused, did he have a friend there? “The chick in the blue dress bro, the one sitting in the front. The small white one with really big eyes. She’s actually pretty cute.” He finished, finally passing the ball for me to do my set. Pretty cute. Front. Was she the friend of the girl who was looking at me? “Bro, was her friend the chick beside her?” I asked, trying not to sound as interested as I really was. Vince looked up to the side in thought. I silently prayed he knew who I was talking about. “No bro, I have no idea who was sitting beside her. I just introduced myself to Beth when she handed me a syllabus since we were late. Met a couple of her other friends but no one really stood out that I can remember. I grabbed you one by the way. Remind me to give it to you after practice,” he said, and with that our conversation was over. And I still didn’t know the name of the girl who was looking at me.

We finished our drills and had a practice game before we ended. I grabbed my stuff from the bench, ready to hit the showers. As I was walking to my car I heard Vince call over for me to wait for him, we had parked in the same area. We walked in silence to our cars, I was just ready to drive to the gym and shower. Opening our trunks and throwing our stuff in we entered our cars and started our engines. I put down my windows letting the fresh air in. and right before I backed up the parking slot, Vince called out to me from his car window, “Jen bro. The name of the girl beside her was Jen,” He said, and drove off.

I pulled out of the parking slot and signaled right, heading for the gym.

For some reason, I couldn’t stop smiling.

Jen.

3 - Bump Bump Bam

My alarm went off and I checked the time. I groaned. It was time for school again. I lazily got up and hit the shower hoping it would wake me up more for the day. Fifteen minutes and three shower slaps to the face later I emerged fresh, clean and still sleepy. I jumped back into bed and checked my phone- I had one message. I’m such a popular guy. “Brotha, can you swing by the photocopying station and grab me a set of the readings today?” It was a text from Vince. I stared at the message trying to figure out what readings and for what subject he was talking about. I replied asking him what it was for and if it was needed for today. Tossing my phone to the side I stared at my ceiling. Today was going to be another routine day; the only difference was we didn’t have practice today. It was our off day. I didn’t exactly know how to feel about that. Practice was long and tedious but it also got my mind off of a lot of things- including my failed relationship with Angela. My phone buzzed and I grabbed it, “It’s for Com class bro, we needed to read the first two chapters or something. I’ll meet you during break ayt? Get me my copy.” I stared again at Vince’s reply with a smile on my face (no homo). Com class. I had forgotten about that class. Then I remembered, Jen. Damn it Matt get a grip. You’ve never even spoken to the chick and already you’re smiling just at the thought of her. What was wrong with me?

I felt a sudden surge of energy as I got ready for school. After brushing my teeth and putting wax in my hair I picked out a decent shirt, a pair of chill pants (I rarely wore pants to school but since it was our off day today I thought I’d dress a little different) and I sprayed on some of my good luck cologne. I dumped all my school stuff in my backpack and hurried downstairs, grabbing an apple and granola bar from the kitchen. Consuming my take out breakfast on the road I had managed to make it to school with half an hour before my first class. I found parking, grabbed Vince’s and my Com readings and chilled with some of the boys before heading to my first class. The whole day went by like a blur and I wasn’t paying attention in class even if I tried. And believe me when I say Itried. Next thing I knew it was lunch and my buddies and I were chilling waiting for our next classes.

“Bro do you have my readings?” Vince asked, interrupting my thoughts. “Yeah man here,” I said, handing them over to him. He thanked me and began scanning through the readings. I decided to do the same, bringing out my set of readings and flipping through the pages.

“Are we eating later? After school? It’s our off day!” Rob exclaimed, finishing up his sandwich. “I’m down,” I said, looking up from my readings. Vince and Tyler nodded in agreement and we all turned to look at Joseph who didn’t answer. He looked up just then, “I can’t guys sorry, I gotta bring Lisa home after her class,” He said, looking a little embarrassed. “You’re out at three and she’s out at six. What are you gonna do till then?” Rob asked, half laughing. We all tried not to laugh, Joseph was so whipped. “I’ll chill with you guys but once she’s out I gotta pick her up, sorry.” Jo said, bringing out his phone. We all laughed and started mocking him playfully, but we all knew he meant well. And if positions were reversed and we had girlfriends we’d do the same. I was like that when I was with Angela, I’d try to spend as much time with her as I could. But after awhile she wanted to see me less and I found myself wanting to see her less as well. That’s when I knew something was wrong. Shaking my head as if to shake away the thoughts of her I looked at my watch, ten minutes until Com class. And as if reading my mind, Vince spoke, “Leggo boys, we got class.” I stood up quickly, fixing my things and trying to control my smile as we walked to class. I decided to head to the bathroom before going in with the rest. Wiping my face and straightening out my shirt I walked out of the bathroom when BAM-

“Ouch!” I heard her say, and I couldn’t believe it. There she was. I didn’t know what to say and I ended up saying the stupidest and lamest thing I could possibly say given the situation-

“Oh sorry. Uh, Hi,” I reminded myself to think of a better opening line next time. I sounded like a douche.

“Oh. Hey Matt.” She said with a tone to my name, and then walked away.

Fuck the tone, she knew my name. I smiled.

Today was going to be a good day.

4 - FIFA and Fishing

I couldn’t shake off my encounter with Jen by the hall. What are the chances that we’d bump into each other before class? Driving to Tyler’s house I couldn’t help but replay the bump over and over in my head. Did she think I was being rude by bumping her? Did she think I did it on purpose?

“Yo bro, what’s up with you? Are you even listening to me?” Jo said, hitting my arm. I had snapped back into reality and realized he was in the car. “Sorry bro, was thinking about the paper I have to write later tonight for my Com class,” I said, lying. We entered Tyler’s village and I pretended to listen as Jo went on about something between him and Lisa. It sounded important but I couldn’t bring myself to listen, no matter how hard I tried. Which in fact, was actually very little. I parked in front of Tyler’s house and Jo and I got out of the car and opened the gate. Judging by the number of cars parked outside the place, I knew the rest of my teammates were already inside. Entering the house the smell of pizza and chicken and the sound of the TV welcomed us. We greeted Tyler’s mom, and headed straight for the basement. Sprawled on the floor and couches my teammates were all shouting and eating loudly as Tyler and Rob were playing FIFA on the PS3. Jo and I greeted everyone and made our way towards the couch across the room, my mind was still bothered but I pulled enough sense to listen to Jo.

“And I think, well, she broke up with me,” He said, grabbing a pillow from the couch and picking on it. I realized then that he was actually pouring out his feelings in the car and I didn’t even bother to listen. The guilt hit me.

“Man, I’m sorry to hear that, but come on bro, you guys have broken up a million times. She gets pisssed, “dumps” you and then in a day or two you guys get back together. You have nothing to worry about,” I said, which was true. Lisa and Jo would break up at least once a month due to Jo’s “inconsistency” or “insensitivity” and Lisa would have “had enough” of it all. I was simply stating facts.

“Yeah bro I know, it’s just, I don’t need this drama right now, not before our big game,” He said, throwing the pillow on the floor. I understood him perfectly. I made a mental note to talk to Lisa about this soon, we needed Jo. He was our striker and no one could guard him, he was the fastest on the team. Jo nodded his head and stood up, grabbing the controller from Tyler. Guess our conversation was over. I searched the room and found Vince, sitting on the floor texting. I made my way over to him and sat down.

“So how about that Beth girl huh?” I said, what an opener. I really wasn’t subtle. “Yeah bro, she’s kinda cute right? Small but like, cute,” He said, setting his phone down. He then went on to share how he and Beth had been talking after class, how he’d walk her to her next class since it was “on the way” to the Athletics Office, which, of course, it wasn’t. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous with how much time he got to spend with Beth, already getting to know her when I had just bumped Jen, making that our first ever encounter.

“Her friend Jen, have you spoken to her?” I asked, deciding to get right to it. “No bro, I mean, she walks with us to Beth’s next class but she doesn’t talk much. Just kinda keeps to herself,” Vince says, glancing at the TV where all the shouting was being made. Why was Jen so mysterious? I hated and loved it at the same time. It made me just want to get to know her more. An hour or so had passed and all the food and competitiveness had disappeared, we had all decided to eat dinner out. We agreed on Larry’s Sports Bar, a place near our school since the food was mad good there. A few minutes later we had reached Larry’s all together and entered, the smell of pizza again welcoming us for the second time today. Looking for a place to sit I felt Vince tug at my shirt. I looked at him,

“Bro. Beth’s here. With her friends,” He said, gesturing to the table across the room. I looked over and found a bunch of girls huddled together, menus covering their faces. There was no mistake though, the girl nearest the end of the table, was Jen. We had been given a table and I didn’t realize it but I already found myself walking over to the table, not caring what would happen. I fixed my shirt, held up my chin and stopped right in front of the person I had been dying to see again that day.

“Hey. Jen, right?” I said, smiling, of course I knew her name. She looked up at me from her menu, brown eyes curious.

My stomach flipped.