Have you ever experienced something that was both so new and yet so familiar? Something that you’ve experienced in the past, but in a different way? I don’t even know if I’m making any sense but that would probably be the only way to describe this coffee confession session- a different kind of different.
There we were. Sitting across from each other, with nothing but a small marble table and months of change in between us. There I was, face to face with the one guy I swore to hate for the rest of my life, Jake. My Jake.
The light from the Sun crept into my room and blinded me. I tried to hide under the covers to shield myself from the indication of another day. Not a new day, but another day. Another day that I didn’t want to face.
I walked to my bathroom and washed my face, looking at myself in the mirror. There it was. The blotchy cheeks, the red nose, and the swollen eyes. The same look I had the morning after Jake broke up with me. I shook my head and turned on my shower. I stood there, for a good ten minutes, just letting the water hit me. I don’t know if any of you know the feeling, but what I felt was numb. Numbness in the sense that I could feel the hot water hitting me, I could feel the warm tiles underneath my feet, the soap in my hands… but I felt nothing inside. I felt so, empty. I guess when you give so much of yourself only to be left in the end, little parts of you just, well, die. I finished my bath and got dressed. I didn’t want to go to school but I knew I had to. I had to finish my article on Matt in the library before turning it in early. I decided to text everyone that I was sorry for how I had been behaving the past couple of days. I also told them to ask Beth why I was acting the way I did. In the last part of my already bordering two page text, I told them that I needed this day to myself. That it was that kind of day again. They all told me they loved and supported me. And that they understood. Sometimes we really don’t deserve the friends we have, but they’re there anyway. There to help you at your most unlovable. I made a mental note to invite them over for another heart-to-heart soon. When I felt like acting like a human being again, anyway.
I drove home, eyes swollen, ready to hit the shower and my bed. I was going to let my bed, once more, swallow me whole as I prayed for the pain to go away. I hated myself for caring and I hated myself for letting Angela do that to me. And I hated Matt. I hated Matt with a passion. I was never going to speak to him again. I tossed my bag on my bed as I headed for my bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. My eyes were swollen, leaving them as tiny slits on my face. My nose was redder than Rudolph’s and my cheeks were so blotchy. I knew this look all too well. I had the same look the night Jake broke up with me. And now, I looked like this again. I allowed myself to look like this. I hated myself. I stepped in the shower and allowed myself one last cry. I was going to cry it all out, and when my bath was done, I was going to pick myself up and start on the stupid article about Matt. I was going to write it and be done with it. Be done with him. For the last time. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need more problems. I got out of the shower and dressed up, finding my mother on my bed, waiting for me.
I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned. Not the pleasant kind of stunned I was feeling after Matt’s sweet and sincere family plans but the what-do-i-do-now-i-can’t-move type of stunned. I must’ve shaken hands with Angela for a good minute before we both finally let go and turned to Matt. He hadn’t said a word since we had introduced ourselves to each other and he didn’t look like he was going to say anything in the near future. I didn’t know how to react.
I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed this hard, or this much. I found myself sitting across from Matt at a pastry café right outside our school. We had our notebooks open, jotting down all the little things we were saying about our futures. I couldn’t stop laughing at all of Matt’s ridiculous comments.
“So if you think about it, if all goes well for me, I could be known internationally. I’d be as famous as Beckham,” he said with a smirk. I had to cover my mouth to make sure I didn’t spit out chocolate cupcake on his face as I laughed again, “Matt, I don’t think being a foot model will get you international fame,” I finally managed to say, taking a sip of my water motioning for him not to say anything as I drank from my glass. We looked at each other and continued laughing. “Come on, I’m not about to write down that if playing for the National team doesn’t get you internationally famous, you’ll settle for being a foot double for famous athletes. What kind of an article can I write with that material?!” I said, cutting off another piece of one of the millions of cupcakes we had ordered. I loved that he had a sweet tooth as big as mine. He smiled at me as he tore off a piece of the giant white chocolate chip cookie we got as well, pleased to see me laugh so hard at his antics. “I think you’re just laughing out of pity. Or because you’ve gone crazy from all this sugar,” he said, staring at me as he chewed. “I think it’s a little bit of both. Sugar makes me pity you more so I end up laughing at everything you say,” I said, wiping my mouth. “Well then, let’s order more! Waiter!” he motioned jokingly. I couldn’t stop laughing. I couldn’t believe how much time we had spent just laughing at our jokes and punches to each other. It felt so good to be around him, I was definitely feeling better about the whole Beth situation and I knew I was going to apologize the moment I got home.
I don’t know what else to call this post except how I feel. I am livid.
So for those who want to be all GV and have a great weekend then, well, please don’t read this post.
But this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to- when I want to so here it goes.
I’m so angry right now, my heart is racing and my eyes are tearing. I don’t know if anyone of you have actually experienced this feeling but it sucks. I’m so angry I’m at the point of crying. I’m so angry that I can feel my heart racing- definitely not in the good sense (obviously). I don’t even plan on proof reading this so if there are any mistakes, well, screw it.
I just hate being cancelled on. Being set aside. Being let down.
I. HATE. IT.
I especially hate it when you make plans and move everything and everyone around to accommodate whatever it is you have your mind, schedule and HEART set on.
Then the shit hits the fan.
It’s my own fault, really. I came into this thinking I could handle it. But the truth is, I’m having a really really REALLY hard time. I’ve been adjusting for as long as I can remember and I don’t know how much more “adjusting” I have in me. It’s so sad to know that no matter what you do, whether it’s in your control or not (which it mostly isn’t ever in your control) you have to be put aside to make room for something else.
And that’s what pisses me off.
I never liked it. I never was a fan of it. I never really ever appreciated it. And now it’s effing up my life.
Yes it’s this moment now, but it’s not like this is the first time. Maybe I’m just emotional, maybe I’m just a disappointed whiny girl; or maybe, I’m just so filled up already.
I hate this. I really do. I’m so angry I don’t know what to even do. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to shout. I’m so upset and I hate it. I hate this feeling.
So what better way to figure out what is it I want to do then blog right? Screw it. This is my outlet so for those who are reading please just understand, this is how I’m dealing with it. Hope you don’t think it’s annoying or hate me HAHA
Anyway, there. As far as I know, the only real solution I have in my head is to just step aside and let everything happen. Wait for everything to finish up and then figure out how to go from there. Am I even making any sense? Oh well.
It sucks to be second. I love the number 2, but it’s so hard to be second at things some times. Especially when you feel you’re #1 but in reality, with the situation that is out of “anyone’s” control- you’re not.
You’re not on top. You’re not the first.
NOT. NOT. NOT.
Ugh. Whatever. Enough already. I’ve ranted and whined too much. Guess I just got to get used to this- this feeling that is. I’ve got a little less than a month to go anyway.
Let’s see how I feel by then.
Cause right now, I don’t give a shit anymore.
I may not be one of those top fashion blogs, or even be considered a “fashion blogger” but my love for clothes is never ending and basically undying.
I’m sadly looking for another closet to squeeze into my already crowded room just to accommodate more clothes. What can I say? I’m a proud SHOPAHOLIC.
So can you imagine the joy my heart felt when I received yet another surprise in the mail? I squealed like a little girl on Christmas day when I opened my package from Desino Dulce to find pieces of clothing that I not only have been drooling over on Tumblr, but could actually wear out!
Now since I’m not a fashion blogger, I haven’t had the time to really take pictures of myself wearing these amazing pieces. I instead, decided to take these pieces and pair them with some of my staple items and show you guys how I plan to wear them out. So I guess you can say solo pictures of me outside with amazing lighting doing poses in the outfits is to, well, follow? Hehe so here we go.
Cause no one will ever really understand our randomness @nickobesalva
I can’t remember the last time Beth and I fought the way we did yesterday. What made it worse was I knew I was the one at fault. I decided to avoid everyone today, especially during lunch. I hid in the library and tried to write the next chapter of my paper that I conveniently forgot to do the day before. It’s cause you were too busy making googly eyes at Matt, you idiot. There goes that little voice again, reminding me of how badly I screwed things up with Beth.